One year in
Out of the blue I received an email asking if I’d be happy to mentor a new first year PhD student – clearly there has been some kind of mistake as I’ve only been doing a PhD myself for… oh yeah, it’s been a whole year, where did that go?
Time goes fast
Looking back over the last year has reminded me that everybody – absolutely everybody, in every level of every career that I’ve ever come across – is winging it. Yep, even those super clever academic types – they’re winging it too.
I was clueless when I started a PhD about what exactly it would involve, what would be expected of me, and what a ‘typical day’ would look like. I looked up to the people in their second and third year because clearly they had been at it for a while and must have it all worked out by now. Now I am in my second year and yep, still winging it, just like everybody else. Just like the people on their first day and the people with 20 years of experience.
Nobody has it all worked out and imposter syndrome is everywhere – people don’t just lack confidence about what they’re doing, sometimes they feel really out of their depth and nervous that they’ll be found out as being not good enough.
Me? A lecturer?
Now that I supposedly know more than I did last year, the university were happy to let me loose on some real-life students and do some teaching – which I was really pleased to be able to do, especially as it was the chance to teach on the Masters course which I completed many years ago. I’d get to meet the future versions of me!
You may have in mind a picture of what a university lecturer looks like… I don’t really fit that – for a start, I don’t own a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches. In fact, there was a bit of a mismatch in my mind about what a lecturer is, and who am I, and how those two ideas don’t really fit together (that’s cognitive dissonance if you fancy a bit of psychological jargon).
To me a lecturer is an expert in what they do, an experienced teacher, and they all seem very grown up.
Am I an expert? Of course not! I’ve only had a 10 year career in the topic that I’m teaching on… there must be somebody better.
Am I an experienced teacher? Definitely not. But I guess I can explain things like cognitive dissonance and imposter syndrome.
Am I a grown up? Turns out that one isn’t required, luckily, because I’ve met grown ups and have no ambition to be one.
Apparently I am qualified to be a lecturer, though it still sounds strange to me. After teaching for a semester, the thing I enjoyed most about it was the winging it – standing in front of people delivering a pre-prepared presentation was OK, but wasn’t what I enjoyed most. The good bit was when people asked questions, when they interacted, when I got to know them a little bit, and when I helped them to ‘get it’. It was when it all went a bit off-script that I enjoyed it the most and brought most value to the students.
I think being able to wing it is a good thing, it’s not unprofessional. You might prefer to use more ‘professional’ words if you like and think of it as a mixture of handling change, problem solving, creativity, innovation, decision making and resilience. There are simply times where you have no idea what you’re doing but you really need to work it out somehow.
The Master Plan
So… two years left (in theory) to get a PhD done.
Is there a master plan? Kind of.
Will I stick to it? Probably not.
Does that matter? I doubt it.
Will I end up juggling loads of other projects too? I hope so!
Will I end up winging it? Absolutely, just like everybody else, and it’ll all work out OK.
We’ve all seen those people that seem to be super successful and have it all worked out, all the time… they definitely don’t, they’re winging it too, just like you and me. Why pretend? Embrace the madness and wing your way through it.